Chris Curtis dot Org

My wife has been working for an IT/Telco solutions company for a year and a half. To cut a long story short, she’s been under a lot of stress and after hours, she comes home and unloads everything onto me, who as a dutiful husband, agrees with her on the things she’s done during the day, or tell her I think what she did was wrong. But on the whole I agree with her that her colleagues are a bunch of lazy, spoilt backstabbing weasels. (Plus I know most of her colleagues personally.)

The other day, I told her that if I was the director of the company, I would call everyone into the conference room and this would be what you’ll hear ONLY from me if you were listening in:

“Okay. So I heard that the lot of you want a lot of things from this company, correct? Sports events, company dinners, gifts, paid vacations like we had last year, things like that, correct?”

“Before that… let me ask you how many employees do we have here?”

“Now, how many managers?”

“Good God. Do you people know that we are a top heavy company? This is a bad thing, wouldn’t you say?”

“Anyway. Okay, how many departments do we have here? Operations, Marketing, Human Resources, Admin and Finance, am I correct? Okay, before I return to the original question, I’d like to ask the Operations Manager a question: How many tenders have we applied for this last two years?”

“Okay, now how many of those tenders did we win?”

“Do you realize that that’s not even 5% of the tenders we submitted? Do you know how much money we pay to buy a tender document before we even submit? Let’s put it this way… are you willing to sacrifice your pay for us to purchase the next tender document?”

“No? You’re not willing because they’re expensive, right?”

“Okay, now you all know we have a big contract overseas right now. I’m sure you know that you all know that the contract comes to an end at the end of the year, and will not be renewed? Operations Manager, are you not worried about this? You don’t seem worried. What are your plans? Getting ready to jump ship?”

“Marketing Manager. I understand you’re relatively new. How long you’ve worked here? Six months? Great. Okay, now I want your marketing plan right now.”

“What do you mean you don’t have one? You’ve been working here for SIX bloody months, and I don’t see any revenue coming in from you… You should have had at least two revised marketing plans, one every two months, seeing as you’re not bringing in any revenue to the company.”

“Now when you signed your employment contract as a marketing manager, we both promised each other something. I promised you that you will be provided with salary and other work-related expenses, and some perks. Have I reneged on my promise?”

“No? You, on the other hand, have promised me to bring in revenue. I don’t expect it immediately, but you should have a document stating what your plans are for the year, and what your targets are in 2 months, or six months, or a year. The reason, so you can plan your job, and I can assess your performance correctly based on your plan. A lowly salesman on the street would know this. Have you provided me with a marketing plan at all?”

“So, if you don’t bring in revenue (at least in terms of potential clients), how is it you’re honoring your promise to me in your employment agreement? Without revenue, how will I be paying your salaries? From my kids’ college fund?”

“Oh, you find this stressful? Did you graduate from a university? Yes? Did you work for a major multinational corporation before this? Yes? How many zeros are there in your paycheck? A lot? Yes? Then, I want a marketing plan on my desk by the end of tomorrow. Period.”

“Finance… there are two of you, I see. Who… is the boss of who?”

“What do you mean your work is in different aspects of Finance? There are only about TEN of us here in this small office. Payroll can’t be THAT difficult. Writing out checks for office equipment and supplies requires two people?”

“Let’s try something new. ROLE-PLAYING! Okay, Weasel-faced Finance Officer. Let’s say you are a multi-millionaire. 100 million in the bank. You allocate 10 million to run this company. Time goes by. At the end of 2 years, you’re down to 500 thousand. No profit, substantial loss. How do you feel?”

“What? You’re still happy you have the 90 million in the bank? Those have been allocated for other things, like other businesses and personal finances. This business unit HERE, is losing MY money like crazy. If your right foot has gangrene, what do you do? Just say, It’s okay, I still have my other limbs?”

“Would you try to ascertain why money is being lost? Yes?”

“Would you ask Operations what they are doing about it? Would you ask Marketing why there is no revenue from their department? Would you be pissed off??”

“Fantastic. Now let’s go back to the original question: Would you, Weasel-face, as the director of this company, be happy to authorize company funds for sports events, company dinners, paid vacations, that sort of thing?”

“No? OK, now Weasel-face in finance here, won’t be happy with giving out these things to you people when your performances the past 2 years have been horrible… why would I, as the actual director of this company, be happy about the same thing?”

“Any other requests?”

“No? Meeting adjourned.”

Of course, this all… if I was the director of the company… which I’m not. So it’s nothing but another pointless rant on the internet. Anyway, you’ve been a great audience. Have a good night.

Posted Monday April 11, 2005 in Rants by Derek Jones

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